Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
