Where is the hickey?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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