woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My pussy is not your playground.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
