i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
