the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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