My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
we're so committed to being not committed
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
