i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
