if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
