Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
