We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
