Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
