I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
A bitchslap is in order.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
