dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
