I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
