the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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