i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
