How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
