The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
