using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
