her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
