just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
