My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
