Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We were destined to go to rehab together
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
