So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
