I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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