you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
