I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
