I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
thus making me awesome and them whores
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
