my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize