Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Your cock deserves a montage
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
