So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize