I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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