I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You are a genius and a whore.
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