I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
