you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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