Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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