I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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