I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
