I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
