The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
