If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
