I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just googled if crying burns calories
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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