Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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