Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Please don't give away my fajitas
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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