yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize