If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
And the cops told us we were all naked.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
