Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Someone came in the potted fern
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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