I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I can't put those talents on a resume
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
