He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
