thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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