this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
