we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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