i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
