mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
