I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
