Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
