If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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