Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
