There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
